Dear Family and Friends,
This year has sucked. All but the first 2 days of it have just plain SUCKED. It has been a year long nightmare. The kind I wish that nobody has to experience. I still go to bed each night, hoping that I will wake from the nightmare to the sound of Mica. But each morning, I reset my brain to my new reality that he isn’t here.
We have done our best to muddle through and give Ned as much “normal” as humanly possible but our family is just not normal anymore. We are broken. We all have days or moments of anger or weepy or just numb. But we try to keep up with things for Ned. Getting him to school each day and making it to his activities even when the last thing we want to do is get out of bed and be in public.
The simplest things are hard. Paying bills sucks, there is plenty of money but facing them each month is hard and I have no idea why. Going to the grocery store alone hurts. Doing laundry sucks because there are no diapers or toddler clothes to fold. Facing each and every mundane everyday task is just much harder then it should be. And making a decision about anything (from what to eat to what to do with a free weekend) is enough to send Sam and I into a panic attack.
And then there is the forgetfulness. Things just disappear from my head. Gone. No idea what was there, but pretty sure there was something that I was going to say or do… if I even remember that much.
So please forgive us if we hide in the corner or have to go outside for a bit. Or if we are late or forget about something all together. Because this year sucks.
And please forgive me when I look at your “perfect” family with despise and think to myself “why me.” I don’t wish our road on anybody, but at this point in time I would pick any road but mine. I am working on remembering that everybody has a story, and I don’t know who else is wearing a mask to cover a broken heart. My mask is new and cracks a lot allowing the tears to escape but others have been wearing theirs longer.
And please, oh please, mention Mica. Say his name. Tell me what you remember about him. Tell me you thought of him for this reason or that. Just let me know that you have not forgotten the little boy who means the world to me. Yes, I will cry as soon as you start, so cry with me because he mattered and you remember him.
Because it isn’t fair. We only got 17 months with a little boy who was such a joy. And it isn’t fair that we have no idea why he is gone. We have nobody or thing to hate and try to cure. And it isn’t fair that Ned has to ask “will I always be an only child?” None of it is fair and this year just SUCKS.
Love,
Esme
PS. I love you Mica, yesterday, today and tomorrow too.
whatmom 