I need to write. I need to get all of these thoughts and feelings out of my head. I need to feel them all and then let them go because I can’t fix it and I can’t change anything about where I am at. I am in a bad place right now. I am struggling with grief, postpartum hormones and breast feeding failure. I don’t know even know at this point which tear is for which issue, I just know they are all there and I can’t do a dang thing about any of them.
The grief: 2 plus years later and I miss you just as much as the day you died Mica. 2 plus years later and I’m still struggling to make since of the world without you in it. 2 plus years later and your daddy and I have yet to get you a headstone, we just can’t make a decision on it. 2 plus years later and I still don’t know why and I struggle to make others understand that we don’t know why (because apparently many believe that you died of a virus… but if that was the case wouldn’t they want to know which one???)
Postpartum Hormones: I had PPD with Ned, I know how it feels. I know how I reacted last time. I sort of feel like I might be headed down that path again but it is hard to know when there is so many other things at play. I have no desire to hurt myself or Fred, so I know that we will be okay but I wish there was a way to treat PPD other then just with a standard anti-depressant. I’m scared of anti-depressants, I don’t want to stop missing Mica. I need to be able to cry for Mica and not hate everybody else in the world.
Breast Feeding Failure: I have always been proud that I nursed Ned and Mica past their first birthday’s. Neither of them ever had formula, I was able to pump enough for them to have bottles when I wasn’t there and I nursed them when I was. But this go around is so very different. Fred didn’t gain weight like he should, at a month he was only 4 oz over his birth weight. I week after that, still the same. So we started supplementing. I couldn’t pump enough to keep up so we started formula and I did my best to pump as much as possible and keep nursing him as much as possible. But he started to scream at me when I offered the breast and I have yet to pump more then about 12 oz in a day, so he has had more formula then breast milk.
His issue was a tongue, lip and buccle tie. He had them all laser-ed, we worked a chiropractor and a lactation consultant but he just prefers the bottle. He is back to screaming at me when I offer him the breast. I don’t know how much of my reaction is the other issues, but I’m almost done trying. I feel like all I think about is how to feed him. I don’t play with him, I don’t have time to just enjoy him, I don’t even have to time to write up a post about what he is up to… but it is hard to say we are done. It is hard to admit defeat. I told Sam last night that I think it must feel a bit like a man who can’t get an erection. I feel impotent, powerless. Breast feeding babies was my supper power and it is gone.
It all just sucks.
Exhale. I hope this helps.
I love you Mica. Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow, too.
whatmom 